34. Closing the Door to Reality
If even just for a moment
Here’s to the conversations that make you feel seen, heard and a little lighter, even if nothing is resolved at the end of them.
My best friend and I have these talks whenever life feels too heavy or chaotic to carry on our own; we’ve affectionately named them our “close the door to reality” chats and we’ve been having them for nearly two decades now.
When we first started having these talks in college, we shared an apartment with four other people, so shutting our bedroom door really made it feel like we were cocooning ourselves from the outside world. Also, it was necessary.
Since then, my friend and I have moved to different states and countries, and through many different stages of our lives, but our chats continue. Thank goodness, because I’m not sure I would have been able to stay sane and soft in this world if not for her.
I had another one of these life-affirming chats with a friend in Korea recently. We were grabbing dinner after dance class and talking about how strangely blue we both felt after attending J-Hope’s concert the previous weekend.
Yes, there are the post-event blues one can expect after any fun experience, but this muted brand of melancholy was different. I felt silly and confused as to why I was feeling this way at all, so I attempted to journal my way through my swirling thoughts.
I just got back from BTS Festa and J-Hope’s final shows from his tour. This was an especially exciting Festa because most of the members had just been discharged from their military services, which meant they were at the show. We even got surprise performances from Jungkook and Jin!
I felt so happy to see them back together and on stage. They really do represent light in an often dark world. It's strange though. Even in my joy, I felt a sort of shame that I couldn’t describe in the moment. I still don’t know if I can describe it now, but I’ll try.
I think that seeing them shine so brightly that night, nearly two years after I saw them last in 2022, I realized how fast that time had gone by; I also realized how far I felt from shining in my own life.
Sure, I love BTS and talking about how attractive and talented they are with my friends, but the reason why I continue to be their fan is because they inspire me to live with a bit more integrity and heart. Watching them perform reminds me of how beautiful it is when someone is living in accordance to what lights them up inside.
It was incredible to see them at the concert, but it also served as an uncomfortable reminder that I also want to find, feed and feel that inner fire in my own life once again.
This brings me to now, a few days after my parents and I sat down to talk about my future plans. (Wooo.) The finer details still have to be worked out, but I can say this much: Chapter 1 of my time in Korea is slowly coming to an end.
Chapter 2, however long or short it ends up being, will include moving out of my aunt’s cozy home away from home and into my own place.
I am both nervous and curious about what this will be like.
I think it could feel a little lonely or incredibly liberating depending on the day.
More importantly, I think this time will give me a more realistic view of what living in Korea could be like, as opposed to the extended vacation it's sometimes felt like in my aunt’s care.
After muddling through a murky couple of months, I now have some marching orders on what to do next, which is orienting in ways that are necessary.
No matter how stuck you feel sometimes, life will continue to move forward.
Whether you prompt it or not, people, places and circumstances will change around you. In this way, you're never actually stuck in one place for too long.
This is somewhat comforting and amusing to me.
Sure, I wish I could live in this dreamlike state of rest and play for more of my days than not, but my post-concert blues highlighted what I also wanted from my life moving forward: tension. The tension that arises when you’ve just stepped outside of your comfort zone and make those first wobbly steps toward something that excites you; when you’re not quite where you want to be, but you know you’re on the way.
I think there has to be some tension or at least periods of tension in your life in order to fully and deeply appreciate the rest. Rest without tension just creates restlessness for people like me, and I suspect many others (most definitely my dad!)
I will not fear what comes next.
I mean I'm sure I’ll have moments of fear grip me in the wee hours of the night, but I can always come back to this solid place within.
The place that knows I'm being guided by something larger, the place that holds the wisdom I've already accumulated through this life, the place that is home to the dear souls who will shut the door to reality with me whenever the noise gets to be too loud.
It feels bittersweet to slowly close the door on my first chapter in Korea because it’s been so fun (so! much! fun!), but as J-Hope said at his last show, things have to end in order for us to have new beginnings.
In between those ends and beginnings, I will try my best to write my way through it all :) Thanks for being on this journey with me.
Love you dearly,
Jenny
BTS, out here, changing lives! And they did bring us together <3
I'm so excited for Chapter 2!!!!!!!!!! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Whatever happens, you will be okay because you got you.
Best wishes to you and your new beginning!